What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
Why do people in Alabama like peanut butter and jelly?
Because it's in bread.
"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
Why do we put round pizzas in square boxes and eat them as triangles?
What's a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it ain't plain.
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken!
Your mom is so fat that she thought Eminem is a candy.
Why did the egg hide?
Because it was a little chicken!
I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
What do you call a black person eating chicken, watermelon, and drinking Kool-Aid?
Reality.
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
What is the difference between me and food?
Food has a use.
How do you get a party started in Africa?
You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.
After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.
During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."
Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"
