How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
What do you call male mermaids?
Mer-butlers!
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
Medusa makes men hard.
True Story of Little Red Riding Hood.
The big bad wolf told Red Riding Hood to strip. He looked at her pussy and said, "Now I will fuck you!"
Red pulled out a shotgun from under her coat and said, "Oh no you're not. You're not, you're going to eat me just like it says in the book!"
Why can't vampires tell jokes right? All their jokes just SUCK.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
What type of alphabet does an elf learn?
The elf-abet.
What did Cinderella leave at the ball?
Her virginity.
Yo mama so ugly, Bloody Mary handed her an application through the mirror.
What's the difference between a Demon and a Redhead?
The Demon at least has a trade offer.
Why do elves go to school?
To learn the elf-abet.
Leprechauns are stupid. No joke.
Are you a toaster?
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?
Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.
Gnome.
The Bigfoots had a campfire. One Bigfoot asked what should we roast next. The other replied, "Maybe a penis and a girl."
Have you ever seen a baby unicorn? No! Because unicorns are gay rainbows in equine form.
What’s a witch’s favorite makeup?
Ma-SCARE-a!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
