Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broom.
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
How are giants and strippers alike?
They both grind men's bones to make their bread.
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after the lesbian vampire was done licking the pussy of the heterosexual woman?
"When is your next blood period?"
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!
What did the headless horseman say to the woman?
"Give me head."
Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.
When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
Where do mermaids get a job?
At the kelp wanted station.
Your mama is so ugly, she summoned Bloody Mary.
She handed her an application through the mirror.
Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
What do you call male mermaids?
Mer-butlers!
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
Medusa makes men hard.
