First jokes
The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.
The first windmill said to the second, "What's your favorite type of music?"
The second windmill said, "I'm a big metal fan!"
A vegan and a transgender jump off a cliff to see who will hit the bottom first.
Who wins?
Society.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?
Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.
"Trump is Putin, America first!" hahaha
What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?
“What in the world did I just read?”
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?
Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high-ranking position in the US government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.
What's the best part about duck tape?
It turns "No, no, no!" into "Mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"
It makes it real easy to get to home base on that first date, too.
What did God say when he made the first woman?
"Where is your dick at?"
I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
Being the first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.
I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.
What falls first, the emo or the leaf? The leaf. The emo was hanging.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"