First jokes

Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?

Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is...

Wait, where are we again?

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.

What falls first, the emo or the leaf? The leaf. The emo was hanging.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Police: Come with me, I’m taking you home.

Orphan: Well, we need to find them first.

Police: Then I don’t need to take you home.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?

“What in the world did I just read?”

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?

Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

Being the first to move in chess.

It’s a white privilege.

What did God say when he made the first woman?

"Where is your dick at?"

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high-ranking position in the US government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

You can't lose Kahoot if you "kashoot" the class first.