First jokes

I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.

I just cut everyone.

What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?

"They see me rolling, they hatin'."

Three friends go to a water park and meet a genie. "You each get one wish." "When you get to the top of the slide, you shall scream your wish as you go down." The first man went down the slide and screamed "Coca Cola," and the pool was filled with Coca-Cola.

The next ugly-ass looking mf goes down the slide and screams "C-M&Ms" as if he wasn’t just about to say cum—then the pool was full of cu—I mean M&Ms. The last horny-ass bitch is so excited he says "Weee!" Then the pool is full of piss. He was upset the pool wasn’t full of dildos./j

John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.

Yo mama is so old that she had the first written copy of the Bible.

Why is my pee green? Because, "NEIN, ITCH BIEN FIRST REICH!"

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

How To Kill A Blonde 101:

First Step: Get a pool.

Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.

Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.

A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.

First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.

It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."

He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.

She walks away and says ok.

The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

Why does Sophia have no ears? Her mom gave her, her first haircut.

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.