First jokes

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

Children and your meat are actually quite similar.

At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

What fell first, the feather or the depressed kid?

Q: The feather, the depressed kid is still up there.

Which one fell first, the Emo Kid or the apple?

The apple, because the rope caught the kid.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?

What's a building's first crush? A plane.

If you were to drop an emo and a leaf off a tree, who would hit the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo is always hanging.

A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

What is a terrorist's first move in chess?

C4.

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

When does a cub become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

What did God say when he made the first black man?

"Crap, I burnt one!"

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Why did the woman cross the road?

What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?