First jokes
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
They say they'll stay, but I left first.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
what came first, The apple or the girl? The apple, because the tree left her hanging :)
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first.
Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first."
The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die."
Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."
"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."
"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.
Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."