Fired jokes

I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and called him "hot wheels."

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheeles.

What do you call a gay kid on fire? LGBBQ.

If possible, I refrain from brunching celebrities. My path is smooth. The table receives the branching.

When I arrived at my friend's house and, after a long time, I was given permission to pick from the branches and graze the dog, I agreed. Then the work begins. "No, no money," I replied, "that's why I'm a burden to the world that hurts me."

And when I told them, they told me and said they were there. If I had a job, I would be fired on the first day for bad behavior. The best solution is to avoid this situation.

Build your ex a fire, and they're warm for a day.

Set your ex on fire and hide the smile/evidence.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I like fire trucks and monster trucks.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

“I was behind you at McDonalds’."

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

What’s black and at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

When there's a news story of people who have died en masse, for example from explosions and fires.

Other people are all "oh no that's terrible!"

Pfft shut up, lying asshole. Trying to be "nice".

I'm like "YAY EXCITING. I don't like being bored hearing 'good news' all of the time."

What do you call a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.

If you give a man a match, he is warm for the night, but if you light a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life. :)