Fired jokes

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."

The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."

The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

I usually don't make 9/11 jokes, but they just are fire.

What’s black and sits on top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeves in a house fire.

Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?

'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.

Why was the duck fired from the train station?

He was a bad conducktor!

What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire?

Hot wheels.

What do you call a wheelchair on fire?

Hot Wheels.

I saw a little girl crying, and I said, "Where are your parents?" That day, I got fired from the orphanage. 🤪

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

Please don't get mad, it's a joke.

What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

What do you call a bald person on fire?

A fried egg.

The man fired from the World Trade Center on September 10.

That is just plain wrong.

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

The only thing brighter than my cuteness is the fire on the Twin Towers.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and roared, "Hot wheels!"

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were.

Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.