Faster jokes
Your teeth split faster than your parents' divorce settlement.
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
Which falls faster, an apple or an emo kid?
The apple, because the emo kid is hanging.
Which hole talks faster? Your mouth or your ass? Can't tell the difference because they both run shit at once.
What will fall faster, an emo or an apple?
An apple, because the emo would get caught on the rope.
Roses are red, violets are blue, The children are fast, But Elmo is faster, Bow down to your master!
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.
Corona be like:
Eliminating half the population of boomers faster than Thanos.
*snap*
What is the speed limit for sex? 68, because if you go any faster, you’ll have to turn around.
Which falls faster, a feather or an emo?
A feather, because the emos are always hanging in.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
Girls are like roller coasters; the faster you go, the louder they scream.
I don't understand why the Twin Towers were super upset.
Their pizza just got there a lot faster by plane.
Why does a leaf fall faster than an Emo?
The Emo hangs himself.
You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.
Why does a leaf fall faster than an emo kid? Because the emo hangs itself.