Family jokes

Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

Alright, so I have a few orphan jokes. I'm gonna put them all in one message.

Why can't orphans be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."

Why can't orphans go on a field trip? Parent signature: ______

New teacher: I used to be an orphan as a kid. Students: hahaha Teacher: Is anyone missing? Students: No one, just your parents.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They kept calling everyone "daddy."

Why do orphans have the iPhoneX? Because it has no home button.

Fritzchen was supposed to remember three sentences. He asks his mother, "Mom, do you have any news?" The mother replies angrily, "Stop it!"

Fritzchen goes to see his father, who is watching a football match. When a goal is scored, he shouts, "That's it!"

Finally, he asks his sister, "Sister, do you have anything to say?" She is currently reading a story about a fool and says, "He is the dumbest person in the world!"

The next day at school, the teacher asks, "Fritzchen, did you learn the phrases?" Fritzchen replies, "Stop it!" The teacher is shocked: "Fritzchen! Don't say that to me. Go to the principal immediately!" Fritzchen shouts, "That's it!" Arriving at the principal's office, he asks, "Who do you think I am?" Fritzchen promptly replies, "He's the dumbest person in the world!"

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

What do you get when you put a clown, a peodophile, a gay wet person?

Answer: YOUR DAD

What do you call an octopus whose father left?

An octopie.

Kid: “What happened to Dad?”

Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”

Orphans have no parents.

If the dyslexic man wanted to adopt a kid, then how could he sign the papers?

Why does Adam sleep early so his mum and stepdad can fuck on his bed?

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

Sister, can I see your two big rabbits?

Cool kid: I slept with your sister.

Me: Never knew my brother was a girl.

Everyone else: :O

Yo mama soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 1 hour later ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Louie being born.

Dad: 🦆

Kid: ?

Dad: 🦆🦆

Kid: Huh?

Dad: Ur too late...

Kid: WHAT!

Dad: .... GOOSE!

We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.

I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"

What do you call a baby that came out of their mother's womb? A virgin.

What's between a wife and a husband?

A divorce.