Family jokes
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
Your dad is Spider-Man because he’s far from home.
When you see your mom.
Me: bruh
Her: Are you serious right now bro?
Me: Yeah no shit.
Her: *slaps me*
I asked a kid why he was so blue.
Didn't realize his parents were choking him out.
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
Yo, stop making 9/11 jokes. My grandpa was a pilot.
Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.
What do orphans and deaf people have in common?
They can't hear their parents.
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
Why does an orphan love baseball? Because their ball comes back, get pranked, bitch!
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
You look too old to be living with your grandma.
Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.
Can orphans go to a family restaurant?
"Why are all these orphans here?" said Chris.
"Because their dad went to go get the milk," said MrBeast.
3 Years Later,
"I AM GIVING APPLE IN A SHARE TO EVERY ORPHAN IN THE WORLD, AND I'M ALSO GIVING EACH OF THEM 1000000000000 DOLLARS."
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"John."
"John who?"
John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.