Family jokes

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

Teacher: I was an orphan once.

Student: Oof.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why can’t orphans learn about ancient Egypt?

Because they wouldn’t know what a mummy is.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?

Milk, because his parents never came back with it.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.