Family jokes
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"
How do you find out if your kid is gay?
Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.
Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!
Orphan: You will?
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?
Milk, because his parents never came back with it.
Why can’t orphans learn about ancient Egypt?
Because they wouldn’t know what a mummy is.
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."
When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?
The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?
Only one is wanted.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.
Me: Wow, they found the body already?
Dad: :/
I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.