Family jokes

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?

Milk, because his parents never came back with it.

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Why can’t orphans learn about ancient Egypt?

Because they wouldn’t know what a mummy is.

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)