Family jokes

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?

Milk, because his parents never came back with it.

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Q: Why can't orphans be on a football team?

A: Because they won't know where to go on a home game.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.