Family jokes
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.
What's the difference between apples and orphans?
An apple gets picked.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.