Family jokes

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's cock tastes of blood.

There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.

What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.

Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"

Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"

What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

What's the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."