Family jokes

You look like your mom and your dad had a child.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor? Because it can't hit home.

Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

I made a website for orphans. You know what I did not add? A home page.

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

Welcome to Alex's orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em.

My mom picked my major.

Yo mama so fat, she stepped on the scale and it said a.k.a. "error."

What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?

A pap smear.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister.

"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"

Why can't orphans go to an amusement park?

Because they don't have parents!

Why don't orphans go skydiving?

Because they don't have the "Morley."

No one has my back like my dad.

What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?

Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.

What do you say when you sister's annoying you?

Go oasis (go away sis)!