Family jokes
My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
What do vacuums and your mom have in common?
They both suck.
While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
Why doesn't the police arrest orphans? Because they aren't wanted.
When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"
An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What is an orphan's favorite show?
"Full House."
The orphan had to earn money because he/she didn't have parents to give him/her an allowance.
Green beans, potato salad with the one that was in the fridge for me.
My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.
He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"
Yo momma so stupid, she pooped in the shower.
Why do orphans mehfjekskkskdjfjdkdkks?
I once tried to have a family friendly conversation with a worm, but it kept its head in the dirt.