Family jokes
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.
What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?
My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
Jake: Can I go outside?
Mom: Did you clean your room?
Jake: No.
Mom: Then f*ck no.
Jake: Alright, bet.
(Brother named No)
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They can go 1, 2, 3 but they can’t go home. 🤣
What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
They can't see their parents.
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself?
A: Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.
Orphans and Chinese people can’t play baseball. The orphans can’t find home, and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.
Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?
Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!
My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They have no home to run to.
Get it?
Orphans have 362 days in a year because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day and no birthday.
Picture of yo mama last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.