Family jokes

What stresses a baby strawberry out?

When its mom is in a jam.

Want to know something? Jason and Michael Myers had to watch their family while they have to live forever. That's why they kill; they're trying to make people experience what they did.

Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

What does your mom say when she is working?

Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

What's your mom and a dog got in common?

Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Why do I f*** my mom?

Like father like son. #batabababa

Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself?

A: Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.

Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.

With their brother.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

Your momma! OHHHHH!

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

How do Asian people name their children?

They throw a pan down the stairs.

What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.

"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

Why do orphans like cows?

Because when they leave, they bring back the milk.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.