Family jokes

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

What is an orphan's dream?

To get on top of the wanted list! 🤣

Yo mama is so stupid, she had to retake preschool 20 times!

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

When an orphan is playing baseball, how come the coach doesn't tell them to hit it home?

He has no home to hit to.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn!

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

What is an orphan's favorite game?

Solitaire.

Why do orphans hate playing sports in school?

Because they never get picked.

Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.

Superman has been called to a huge house fire. Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!" Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--" Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?

A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"

She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."

The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"