Family jokes

Why does an orphan play mum and dad?

'Cause they need self-love.

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"

Every woman will die in five seconds.

Mother: Dies.

Sister: Dies.

Girlfriend: Lives.

You: 🤬

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

I want to be loved.

What is an orphan’s favorite game? Adopt me.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have nobody to call "daddy."

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

Why can’t orphans be gay?

They have nobody to call "daddy."

This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).

Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”

Why do orphans want to be criminals? Because they want to feel what it’s like to be wanted.

How do you know an orphan is lying? When they swear on their mother's life.

Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

Because their dad never came back with milk.

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

Kidnapper: ...

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple always gets picked.

Mia’s mother has 5 kids: Lilly, Abby, Alexa, Mila, and.... Q: Who is last? A: Mia.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Little old lady, you don’t need to yodel about it!