Family jokes

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

Your mamma is so dumb, she went to the dentist to get Bluetooth.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!

Your so broke your mom can't afford your daddy.

Technoblade says, "Punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?"

What's the difference between a flower and an orphan?

One is allowed in the house.

Why can't an orphan watch T.V.?

Because it can't find the home button.

Your mom's hot.

Why can't you teach an orphan new tricks?

Because there is no one to teach them.

Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?

A: They can’t find home.

What is the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

The bench can support its family.

Yo mama so fat she got married by 20 men, but they think there's only one side of her! I tried making one of my own.