Family jokes
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?
They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.
I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.
"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
Why can’t orphans get in trouble?
Because there’s no one to give a phone call home to.
My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.
Mommy kisses my butt.
So things are just too tiring to sort out... like which adoption center you should send your son to?
Why can’t orphans win trophies?
Because they can’t take them home.
What do orphans not see on a controller?
The home button.
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
Why did the orphan kill itself?
Because he's depressed about no family.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."
The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.
What does a man with 20 children do now?
Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.
Why is the orphan cold?
'Cause there's no one to cuddle with.
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.