Family jokes
How are you and an orphan similar?
Both of your fathers are invisible.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
What do Spider-Man and orphans have in common?
There’s no way home.
Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.
The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"
The second said: "I'd do it for free!"
The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"
The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"
A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.
The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"
Me: Hey, are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
Why can't orphans really play baseball?
Because when they do, all the other kids tell that joke that everyone has heard more than 50 times.
What do you call an orphan?
Homeless.
A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."
Why can't orphans play baseball? Cause they can't go to home base. 😈
I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.
It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.
The twin towers are like your father, they're both gone and will never come back.
Yo mama so fat, she has to use pillowcases for socks.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
What foods are orphans allergic to? Homemade food.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house looks like.