Family Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer...

Grandma: young people your age are married by now,why aren’t you?

Me: old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

Why can't an orphan be gay?? Because they don't have anyone to call daddy ( My bad if this offended anyone)

the emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the oreos

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

One time this kid came back from school and said "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said "Good news please.'' and the boy said "I got 100% on my math test today" and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said "Now to the bad news, I LIED"

Teacher: Describe a penguin

Student: Black, White, Beak

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, No family

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.

Closer kin, deeper in !

Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

So a kid walks in the house and says: " mommy, mommy, I found daddy". And the mother says: " stop digging around in the garden, and let you Father rest in peace.