Family

Family jokes

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Dad goat: Son, do you know what I like to eat?

Son goat: No, what?

Dad goat: Goat meat.

Son goat: *Gasps*

Dad goat: Nah, I'm just KIDing.

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

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    • An orphan died. No one cared, why? Who is supposed to spread the word? His parents.

    I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

    If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!

    What's the difference between me and cancer?

    My dad didn't beat cancer.

    I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

    She said, "Yes."

    "Knock knock."

    I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

    Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

    Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

    My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

    When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”

    Mom: I apologize, Sam, for being so mean to you. <3

    Sam: Thank you, Mother, for your apology.

    Mom: jk

    How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

    Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

    A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

    Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"