Family jokes

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

Dear uncle, I want my condoms.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

Your mom dot com.

There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

Ask me who Joe is.

Who is Joe?

JOE MAMA!

My mom

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.

What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.