Family jokes

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.

What do you say to someone's mom?

"You mom gay."

Mommy, why is my name Brick???

Mom: When you were a little baby, a brick dropped on your head.

Mommy, why is my name Rose???

Mom: When you were a little baby, a rose petal dropped on your head.

Brick walks in, "Blagudnunag."

Where does Santa send his children to study?

The Elf-phabets.

What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?

Ilean.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

"I will see her in one week!"

A week later, he died.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!

Joe Mama!

A family had a very disobedient dog. It would bite the children’s hands when they pet the animal, the dog would piss on everything, and it would chew their shoes. This is why it was adopted.