"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?
iPhones have a home button.
What do you call an 18-year-old orphan?
Homeless.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Yo dad is so hairy, people chased him because they thought he was Bigfoot.
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
I put the fun in dysfunctional.
Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.
Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?
Son: Yes, why?
Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.
