My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Family Jokes
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?
iPhones have a home button.
What do you call an 18-year-old orphan?
Homeless.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
