Family jokes
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
What do Myspace and my dad have in common?
I haven't seen them in a while.
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.
You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.
Why can't orphans have a home button on their phone?
Because they don't have homes.
Yo dad's so stupid, he came back after he got the milk.
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.
Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."
Yo mama was so fat, Huggy Wuggy couldn't fit his arms around her!
What did the father name his daughter with no legs?
Peggy.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.
I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.
His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.