Family jokes
What did the father name his daughter with no legs?
Peggy.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.
I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.
His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
Three men were lost in the desert and found a genie who granted each of them a wish.
The 1st man wished he was home with his family. The 2nd man wished he was home with his family, and the 3rd man wished they were all back together again.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"
"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
Boy: Hello, Mom, can I have $50?
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?
Boy: That's what M.O.M. means, right?
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Why do orphans become criminals?
To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.