Family jokes
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
What do orphans do at parent teacher meetings?
What happens when the orphan at school gets sent home?
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?
A dad joke.
What’s an orphan’s favorite movie character?
Harry Potter.
What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?
None. Neither can see their parents.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Your hairline is running away faster than when your dad went to get milk, and that’s saying something.
What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
Why is my sister horny? It's because she loves my dick.