An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.
But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
Priest
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
God's racist. He separated light from dark.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why do orphans love to go to church? Because they have someone to call father.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
