A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.
"Morbidity, the story of my life in one joke."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
I ate some gunpowder once. It was a exploding experience.
I was at the store during a storm one time. I guess you could say it was story.
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
What's black and sits on the bottom of the stairs to the cellar?
Steven Hawking where the experiments went wrong.
When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.
Yeah, not too bad at all, really.
What do you get from childhood drama? A ginger with autism.
I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.
Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
My sex life.
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
Life has ups and downs, and they had downs.
Life is like giving head... it always sucks.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience...
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
