Everything

Everything jokes

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"

Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."

Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"

The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"

Sometimes I look back at everything bad I have done. I tell myself it's ok, they're just telling me to keep myself safe :)

That's it, it wasn't a joke.

I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.

I went to a gun shop yesterday. Everything was half off. I didn't know that back to school sales have begun.

I know everything about Walt Disney! How he died, how his mom and dad died, how his kids died, when he was born, where he was born, and how he was born. 😏

There's a one-story house. Everything's yellow, even the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms. What color are the stairs?

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

Why don’t spiders go back to school?

Because they learn everything on the web.

Not a joke; just a statement:

Everything on here is unoriginal! 😂 But just because every word on here is unoriginal, it doesn’t change the way we feel. Our feelings are the only thing that is original because our feelings are our own. Even though others have the same or similar feelings! Our feelings are still our own. And sharing those feelings with words spoken from another just means we are NOT ALONE in our feelings.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

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    • Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

    I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

    I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

    So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

    Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

    I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

    Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

    In honor of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as other establishments, are introducing the Jackson dog. It's a 50 year old sausage between two 7 year old buns, with everything on it.