Dying jokes
I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
Iron Man dies.
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?
She died the next weekend.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
The only reason he died was because Virgin Media wifi crashed.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
His wife forgot to plug his wheelchair into the wall.
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What, no soap?" Then he dies and she marries the barber.
If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.
You also can't breathe if you die.
So why isn't it debreathiation?
Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.
The brunette brings canteens of water.
The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.
The blonde somehow rips off the car door.
The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"
To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."
Did you know Stephen Hawking died in a game? The game was Happy Wheels.