Tape jokes

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

I had to go to my friend's house.

I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???

What type of tape do kidnappers use?

Abduct-Tape.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

It's not rape if she doesn't say no.

Two options: - Chloroform. - Duct Tape.

How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.

Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

What's the difference between red wings and old cassette tape players?

One eats tape while the other eats pussy.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

You're so tall that you are a measuring tape.

Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?

So they don't explode when you f*** them.

Now why an office supply keep rape videos, to make sure it was on tape?

What's the best part about duck tape?

It turns "No, no, no!" into "Mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"

It makes it real easy to get to home base on that first date, too.

Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.

Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.

He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.

Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.

Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.

Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.