Drive Jokes

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

What type of car did Hitler drive? A gas-guzzler.

If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?

The brakes, you sick bastard.

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?

The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What car does Hitler drive?

A Fuhrerri.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.

Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.