back in ancient Greece, there was a Greek skyrim, but instead of FUS ROH DAH, the main character said "Me damnit, Ganymede, get the #10 lightning bolt, I hate it when Helios lets his kids drive"
If you don't get this, look up the story of Phaethon, and if you STILL don't get it, then you are dumb
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car. Lea looks at his puzzled then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?" Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..
Mrs. Harolen: Students, tomorrow's assignment is to bring your parents to school for a conference with the teacher informatio-
Garen: I want to know who cannot bring their teachers to a conference. ORPHANS!
Students: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Mrs. Harolen: Garen sit down! NOW!
Garen: Hey why can't orphans get a dog? They don't have their parents to drive them to the animale shelter.
Halen: Yeah! Why are orphans racist? Because they never saw there parents in a diffrent race!
Students: No that's not funny!
Student: SHUT UP!
The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up Johnny said when he grows up hes going to be A motherfuking Hustler he's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a rolls- Royce and he's also going to have apartment in the City where his side bitch is going to live he's going to buy her expensive jewelry whatever she wants cars diamonds clothes shoes the teacher didn't know what to say so she calls on Sally what do you want to be when you grow up? Sally said I want to be Johnny's bitch.
========================= (pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump.... what the fuck up with that dude, man ?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas !)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP : TEENY DICK
BUMP : TINY TIT
GUMP : DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP : A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP : IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP : OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP : AN ASS
DUMP : A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP : SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP : SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP : JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH !! ....
HA!HA!HA!HA ! YESSS !!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse !"
......(splort !, plop !, drip !) ....... OOOOPS ! 'snif, snif' ........
..... ewwwwww !!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk ! ... I better go now , 'cause I just went ! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes !!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN ! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY !
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY !!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE !!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew ! ............ Amen. ==============================
What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 dodge neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer. It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lawballs.
I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?" to which he responded "No". So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".
So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming"
I know, it's an awful joke.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair." Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? What comes after 69? Mouthwash. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!" Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. —Pluto Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out." What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?" How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed." A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts." What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!" What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like." How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!" What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
Drivers License-By- watersharky Music Productions and Olivia Rodrigo- I got my driver's license last week Just like we always talked about 'Cause you were so excited for me To finally drive up to your house But today I drove through the suburbs Crying 'cause you weren't around And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs 'Cause how could I ever love someone else? And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street And all my friends are tired Of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them 'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah Today I drove through the suburbs And pictured I was driving home to you And I know we weren't perfect But I've never felt this way for no one, oh And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Red lights, stop signs I still see your face in the white cars, front yards Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Sidewalks we crossed I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing Over all the noise God, I'm so blue, know we're through But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone 'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street...
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me." "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's." A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again." How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit." What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them." Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip." What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream." What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap." A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again." An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them." A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream." If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
A politician dies So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van! It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come. We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! ̈Hey they want to party with us! ̈Timmy yelled over the whooping. ̈Party van! ̈I yelled. Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said ̈P O L I C E” on the side. We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. ̈Isn’t that right mommy? ̈
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, „Why don’t you let me drive for ones.“ The driver thinks to him self, „Well I can’t say no to this guy, he’s the pope.“ So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, „slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.“ The Pope says, „Ahhh, don’t worry about it, I’m the Pope.“ So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, „Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.“ The Pope says, „Sure.“ The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, „Guys I just pulled over some one really important.“
They ask who, „The President?.“ „No more important.“ „The president of another country.“ „No more important.“ „An ambassador.“ „No even more important.“ „Well who is it.“ „I don’t know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.“
1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" 2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." 3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second." 4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon." 5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" 6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year." 7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. 8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!" I responded, "Inflation." 10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
