Drink jokes
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.
So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?
Why do they call it Ovaltine?
The jar is round, the mug is round, they should call it Roundtine.
What's a boxer's favorite drink? A punch. 🥤🥤
Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A: Because they're Santa's Starbucks!
I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
What does a Mexican not like in their drink? Ice.
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
You're so poor that when you drink water from a cup, people flick a coin into it.
What do gay girls order in a bar?
Pussy juice.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.
Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?
The depressay expressay.
Just kidding, bleach!
Where do terrorists go for a drink?
At the Allahu-ak Bar.
A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!