How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?
Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
Bean Dip.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.
What do you call a dead parrot?
Polygon.
