DoS jokes

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

Why do priests appreciate educated children?

They don't spit.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?

Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)

What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.