Dont jokes

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-

Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."

Orphan: And I took that, personally.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Don't worry, neither have they.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What number is better; 46 or 47?

I don't know, ask the kid with Down syndrome.

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koalafications.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."