Dont

Dont jokes

Lord

311 views ·

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

  • 4

    • Jedi

    Why don't Jedis make puns that often?

    They usually have to force them. (I hate myself for that!)

    Baby

    13 views ·

    What's the difference between a dump truck of dead babies and a Ferrari?

    I don't own a Ferrari.

    People

    3 views ·

    I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

    After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

    Fish

    15 views ·

    Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

    Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

    Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

    Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

    Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

    Lawyer

    49 views ·

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

    An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

    But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

    Dick

    7 views ·

    I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

    Monkey

    13 views ·

    There are three men walking down the road, and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm, there is a cow, a monkey, and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money, and the farm is going out of business.

    One of the men sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest, but the cow is so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle, it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them suggested that they put a cork up the cow's behind. The first guy says, "Okay, then go put a cork there."

    "I don't want to do it. You do it."

    "No, you do it."

    The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it." And the monkey puts the cork in the cow's behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm.

    The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of the cow. "Guys, we need to take the cork out of the cow," he says.

    "Well, I'm not going to do it. You do it."

    "No, you do it."

    The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it again." So the monkey uncorks the cow, and there was a huge explosion. A few days later, the three men wake up in the hospital.

    The doctor walks up to the first man and asks, "What happened?"

    The first man replies, "All I remember is that horrible sound."

    The doctor walks up to the second man and asks, "What happened?"

    "All I remember is that horrible smell..."

    The doctor walks up to the third man and again asks the same question. The third man looks at him and says, "All I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."

  • 4