Dont jokes
Me: How does this thing work?
ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.
ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*
Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.
Why don’t babies pollinate flowers?
God chose Plan B.
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”
I don't have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere.
Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?
Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? Because they can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
I don’t struggle with depression, at this point I’ve got it down. I’m good at depression.
What do computers and white kids have in common? They don't have trouble shooting.
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"
A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
Why can’t orphans play poker? Because they don’t know what a full house is.
I only have 4 moods:
• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
• fuck it
and for those who have just given up
• fuck
This is beautiful.
I have a friend who doesn't have a dad.
He says: "You're useless, go to hell!"
Me: "Wait, why do you want me to join your dad?"
I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around.
I see them hang all day.
Why don't orphans care if they get in trouble? They can't call their parents.
What did one butthole say to the other?
"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
What is the orphan's favorite toy from his parents?
They don’t have parents to pay for a toy.