DOE jokes
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
What do you call a pig who does karate?
Pork chop!
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team?
Because all of them that can jump, swim, and run are already here.
Where does the resistor go after a long day?
It goes Ohm.
Memes
Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
So as to not smash his head against the tree.
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What does a Chinese guy say to his lover? “You’re the ying to my yang!”
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.
What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?
Sells the wheelchair.
What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.
What does gum in my d*ck have in common?
Both get chewed on by little kids.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I added Paul Walker on my Xbox, but all he does is sit on the dashboard.
How many kids does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them. 😂😂😂😂
What does an autistic kid and a porn video have in common? You can shoot both of them, just not in public.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.
Miss you dad.
Bully: "You are so stupid!"
Classmate: does nothing.
Bully: "Oi, I'm talking to you!"
Classmate: "Oh, you're talking to me? I thought you were talking to yourself."
What does NASA stand for?
Not A Space Agency.