DOE jokes
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
How many gears does a French tank have?
One forward and six reverse.
Why do feminists eat so much pussy?
To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.
Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?
If an athlete gets athlete's foot... What does an astronaut get? Mistletoe!
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.
What music does a balloon listen to?
Pop music.
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Why does family love family?
Because everyone has their Friday night nut together.
I know this is supposed to be an emo joke, but does anyone want to play Rocket League?
I'm on PS4, by the way!
My name: Box3d_by_Clapped
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
This is two heads.
Deaf. "Deep water." ""
- "78 years."
Are you interested again? ""
"If you go ... you are there."
"No. 85 is good."
What is the most important value? It does not take cheese.
What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?
Ones that contain nuts.
If Stephen Hawking is ill, does he go to the doctors or Currys PC World?
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!