How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.
How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.
How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.
Disability Jokes
Q: What do you call a little girl without arms and legs?
A: Names.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
I took a special needs child to a shooting range.
Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.
I wrote a book called "Endless Love."
It’s about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
Why can't there be a gay disabled person?
Because a fruit can't be the same as a vegetable.
What has 4 wheels, no wings, and flies?
A dead cripple.
What do a blind kid and an orphan have in common?
They can’t see their parents.
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Helen Keller with a Tommy gun?
Mike Tyson. Helen Keller never heard the bell.
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?
None. Neither can see their parents.
Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?
It scares the shit out of her dog.
