Die jokes

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

Jesus can’t judge gay people, because he got nailed before he died.

How did Michael Jackson die?

Because he danced like a zombie!

What's the only good part of your crush dying before you have the chance to bang her?

She can't say no!

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

My grandma just died from cancer.

My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, I also got jealous.

I was in the Sahara Desert, dying of thirst. Thankfully, Pionel Pessi, the debut man, came to my rescue👨‍🚒. He brought in 100's of helicopters filled with bottles to quench my thirst. I asked him how he had so many bottles; "big games," he replied. Thanks for saving my life, my idol.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

TV: SCHOOL SHOOTING 13 DIED.

Father: Guns cause all these problems!

Kid playing FNAF security breach *bang* *Bang*

Kid: WOLF PU&EY WOLF PU^$Y WOLF PU*#Y

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.