Diagnosis

Diagnosis jokes

Cancer

    • Doctor: I have bad news.

    Man: What?

    Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

    Man: Oh, no...

    Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

    Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

  • 1

    • Cancer

    • Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

    Doctor: Ten.

    Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

    Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

  • 1

    • Woman

    • A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

    The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

    The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

    "Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

    The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

  • 3

    • Cancer

    • "I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

  • 1

    • Skull

    • I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

  • 1

    • Cancer

    • When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,

    You respond: "cancer."

    Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"

  • 1

    • Kid

    • One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

    Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

  • 2

    • Autism

    • I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

  • 2

    • Mirror

    • Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

    Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

  • 1

    • News

    • "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

    "Give me the good news first," the patient said.

    "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

    "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

    "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

  • 0

    • Doctor

    • A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

    The man asks, "Why?"

    The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

  • 0

    • Cancer

    • I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

  • 0