Death jokes

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?

They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.

Say what you want about Paul Walker, but he was a smart guy.

You can tell by the quantity of brain matter on his dashboard.

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, I also got jealous.

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?

Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.

I didn't steal it. 🌚

Yo momma is so ugly, she gets rejected by dead people.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

How do you make an orphan clap until his hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

People said that Kobe could fly so high, but that did not end well.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

A skeleton decided to become an assassin.

He was always skull-king around!

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

An emo texted a tree, "Wanna hang out?"

The tree ghosted her.

Yo mama is so fat that a whole forest grew on her, but it was sad because she really smells, so the forest died.

My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?