Death jokes
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
Your Nan is dead.
I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.
What is the worst thing to do at a funeral?
The corpse.
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He couldn't log in.
Did you hear about the dead Italian chef?
He pasta way!
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
The 2nd worst thing that happened to an orphan was finding out the milk man passed.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.
Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
What's the difference between an orphan dying and a bag of groceries being dropped?
While most agree that both are unfortunate, people actually care when they drop their groceries.
Why did the orphan die on the road? Because they had no one to hold their hand.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.
The next day I saw a dead orphan.
I wish I was a dinosaur because all of them are dead.
You know what the difference between Kobe Bryant and Russell Westbrook is?
He wears 0 and Kobe has 0 lives left.