Dais jokes

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

April Fool's Day: Go tell an orphan their parents are back.

Orphan: Where... Oh.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?

Father's Day.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Blue sky at night, day.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

One day, I was walking down the street, and then I saw something really funny, and then I ran, and I saw a boomer, but I don't really know what I'm talking about, lol.

I went out to buy some camouflage shirts the other day. Couldn't find any.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

What's an orphan's least favorite day? Take your kid to work day.

What does an orphan do on school parents' day? Nothing.

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?

About nine months and a day.

I went to jail because I gave the orphan kid a calendar with 363 days.

(I deleted Mother's Day and Father's Day.)