Dais jokes
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?
Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
Five more days.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
Why was the dog so stressed out?
It had a ruff day.
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.
Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.
Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."
Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days..