Daily life jokes

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

Yo, so poor that you wash your paper plates and cutlery in a kids' dishwasher.

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

Because their dad never came back with the milk.

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.

I hope you have to squeeze the hell out of toothpaste only for the little bit to fall down the sink drain.

How do parents punish their blind kid? They move the bed.

Why did the Dad cross the road?

To get the milk.

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.

When I walk to school, I fart.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a grocery store.

Never mind.

Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.

She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.

Good Morning Everyone, have a good and positive day!

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

What is a good night's sleep, and what do I have for dinner today is what [I want to know].